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How to smoothly convince everyone you're Jewish



University of Maryland


- satire

How to smoothly convince everyone you're Jewish


Jack Wisniewski


If you're Jewish, please close this window immediately.

Here you are again; it’s the fourth week of school and it already feels like you’ve been here for months. You could really go for a couple extra days off, but you don’t want to deal with the stress of catching up on what you’ve missed. You might as well kill yourself so you don’t have to deal with it all.

However, if you’re not committing suicide before Thursday, then there is hope for you — the Jews.

I don’t mean the Jews will band together help you, I mean Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, starts Wednesday night. Basically, if you’re Jewish enough to want to observe the new year, you won't get penalized for missing class Thursday and Friday since this holiday is two days long for some reason that a Jewish person could probably explain.

Anyway, here are seven foolproof phrases you can use to indirectly demonstrate you have Jewish values so that you can skip class without missing a beat.

1. Talk about your plans for the new year

This will confuse just about everyone because they will think you are talking about January 1. When they ask “what are you talking about,” tell them that you meant the Jewish new year.


“I hope I will still be Jewish next year.”

2. Mention that you think Israel is more than just a Jewish state

On TV, the depiction of Israel is sometimes inconsistent. Jews can see through the confusing coverage and tend to realize Israel beyond its politics.


"As much as other people think of Israel as a dangerous country, I see it as a place where Jews can be together and celebrate their Jewish heritage."

3. Talk about how long your commute home is

It doesn’t matter if you’re from Baltimore or Long Island, traveling home for the holidays is everyones nightmare.


“My house is so far away from here, I am distressed that I need to go to home to celebrate the Jewish new year.”

4. Use the word ‘kosher’, instead of ‘cool’

Jews do not eat pork because of something called ‘Kosher’. They like remembering this rule and integrating it into their conversations.


“Class on Thursday and Friday? That’s not kosher at all because I am going to miss those classes because the Jewish new year also happens to be on those days.”

5. ‘Accidentally’ drop your bagel

Jews love bagels. Show people you at least intend to eat one and they won’t have a choice but subconsciously assume you’re Jewish.


“Oops. I really didn’t mean to drop my bagel. I like them so much because I am Jewish.”

6. Sport some form of Jewish greek letters and make sure everyone knows how much that greek organization means to you

We all like to surround ourselves with like minded people. Jews are no different.


“As a Jewish person, I really like that all of my friends are also Jewish and that we’re going to celebrate the Jewish new year together this Thursday and Friday.”

7. Make your circumcised penis known

Nothing symbolizes “Jewish” more clearly than a permanently unsheathed penis.


“Anyone feel a draft? Perhaps if I had foreskin my penis would feel a little more comfortable. Unfortunately, I do not have foreskin because I am Jewish."

If you execute the following steps to a close degree during each of your classes, you will easily convince both your professors and your peers of your turbulent cultural legacy and your need to skip class.