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Professor reminds students not to put off anxiety attack until the last minute



University of Maryland


- satire

Professor reminds students not to put off anxiety attack until the last minute

Summer Bedard


As finals approach, one business statistics professor wants to remind students that a full-on, life altering panic attack is inevitable and will be easier if completed ahead of time.

“Cramming never works,” said Professor Rudebega in the email he sent to his classes.

“It works best to set a schedule for hyperventilating into a bag in Mckeldin’s Footnotes Cafe, spending 30 minutes each day thinking about your failures, how you’ll never get into the business school and your step dad’s going to like, murder you, than it is to put off your irrational self-harming, anxiety-driven thoughts until the night before the exam.”

Kathy Henway, a sophomore accounting student, said this approach is a little unrealistic.

“I have way too many anxiety attacks that I have to complete for other classes. I literally have no time for my business stat anxiety attack until the day before. I’m just going to hole up in a study carrel all day, weep about my poor time-management skills, and ask myself if I should honestly consider dropping out and becoming a stripper.”

Henway says this nervous breakdown should take around 9 hours, 4 if she has access to prescription amphetamines.

“Each semester I tell myself I’m going to get a head start on the apocalyptic, body-wrenching sorrow and fear that this high-stress environment causes me, but somehow I end up staying up for 40 straight hours doing this in the library instead. It’s just the way it is.”