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What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Campus Parking Restrictions

institution administration


University of Maryland


- satire

What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Campus Parking Restrictions

Corey Rennolds


Ever wondered why you receive so many parking tickets from DOTS? Well, you might not have known it, but your campus parking restrictions are actually determined by your Zodiac sign. Read through to find out where and when you are allowed to park on campus!

Aries: You are permitted to park wherever you'd like, so long as you can answer Testudo's daily riddle.

Taurus: You may park in the even-numbered lots in every-other-odd-numbered space on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays between 3 a.m. and 1:24 p.m. in the months that end in "-ber" when the temperature is between 54.9 and 86.2 °F. If you park anywhere else at any other time, you will be assessed a $1,200 fine and your vehicle will be sold to a junker.

Gemini: Park wherever you want; that electric blue 1999 Honda Civic with the spoiler is gonna look like shit no matter where you leave it.

Cancer: Your lot assignment is in the Regents Drive garage during normal business hours, but your vehicle is actually required to have snow chains on the tires at all times, regardless of season.

Leo: Hand your keys to the valet in front of Stamp, and they'll ensure that your vehicle is parked safely.

Virgo: You may park on the roof of any building on campus, but nowhere else.

Libra: The spirit of the Libra is defined by balance, much like the perfect balance between the number of DOTS citations you receive and the number of appeals that are rejected. Park in Lot 1.

Scorpio: You will be hit with a $25.00 fine regardless of where or when you park, so you might as well have fun with it, like you do with most things in life, and take the Grand Cherokee out onto McKeldin Mall.

Sagittarius: You're a free spirit who cannot be tamed or tied down by things like lot assignments. You park wherever and whenever you please, and DOTS shall always be left in a cloud of your dust. Go, you!

Capricorn: As a Capricorn, you have the focus and ambition necessary to find the absolute perfect parking spot in your assigned lot, which is at the Beltway Plaza Mall.

Aquarius: You may park in any numbered lot on campus from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., but you're required to send a handwritten thank-you letter to DOTS every time you do, and it'd better be sincere, buster.

Pisces: You can bike to campus. Fuck you.