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Freshman in Critical Condition after Pregaming with Only Carbs



University of Maryland


- satire

Freshman in Critical Condition after Pregaming with Only Carbs

Jerry Katz


COLLEGE PARK – Ambulance rushed Freshman Josh Harrison to hospital from ΓΑΣ Satellite Fraternity House on Rhode Island after pregaming with only carbs.

He is in critical condition, but is stabilized and expected to make a full recovery. However, many in the community are wondering whether the UMD party culture of binge drinking and peer pressure played a part in his unfortunate medical circumstances.

Police have determined that Harrison did not know the Gold Code™, a set of rules for safe partying at the University of Maryland.

Harrison started the night by breaking the first rule of the Gold Code™. His roommate spoke to our reporters: “We were in the North Campus Diner and all he had to eat was plain pasta and one of those biscuits. I told him to put some meat sauce on the pasta, you know to Pregame With Protein™, but he just said "nah dog, I'm fine.”

However, Harrison did not just break that rule of the Gold Code™: “He was just taking shot after shot, yelling ‘Wave to the face!’ I reminded him of the story of the terrapin and the hare, and told him that Terps who Pace win the Race™, but he refused, stating, "Schwadever mane, Mamnma ain'ts raised no PUSSSSSSSSY! hehe pussy."

He also at one point did not know what was in his cup. One of the ΓΑΣ brothers allegedly handed him a cup of “jungle juice,” a mixed drink comprised of alcohol and sugary drinks to "cut" the taste. When asked why he did not ask what was in his cup, Harrison responded, "shwslkd flagll shmap ... pussssssy." He then proceeded to vigorously vomit on both the rug and couch.

Jake Gluck, the RA for Harrison's floor in Cumberland Hall was baffled: “I don’t know what went wrong, I put up at least three Gold Code™ signs, and I gave out the rubber things for the back of your phones. I even came up with a fun song for the Gold Code™ and taught it to my residents.”

The Strategic Task Force Unit (STFU) has been trying to come up with solutions to solve the problem of irresponsible drinking. They may implement a Silver Code™ for those students who find the Gold Code™ too hard to follow. It includes rules such as “Pregame™,” “get good at beer pong™, and "don't be a fucking pussy-bitch little nerd™.”

In any case, it is fortunate that Harrison's roommate was following the Gold Code™. "He wanted to leave the party to meet up with a girl, but I had to say, "no, I leave no Terp behind."™

Our thoughts and prayers are with the Harrison Family on this difficult night, but we remind our readers that he is expected to make a full recovery.