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Complete Psychopath Stays for Entire Football Game

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University of Maryland

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- satire

Complete Psychopath Stays for Entire Football Game

Elliot Bromberg

11.14.16

COLLEGE PARK- Freshman and clinically diagnosed psychopath Anthony Pendleton was spotted attending the Ohio State vs. Maryland football game and staying all four quarters.

The psychotic freshman was seen sipping his Pepsi and attentively watching the game as students started to file out 5 minutes into the first quarter. Nothing seemed on unnerve Pendleton, not even the lopsided 62-3 beatdown that was handed to the Terps. The deranged madman stayed until the game clock hit zero, completely engrossed in the game, and cheering for the Terrapins and when appropriate, booing the visiting Buckeyes.

“Honestly it was bizarre and it rattled all of us on the sideline,” said Maryland Coach DJ Durkin. “It was weird enough that he was there during the entire second quarter, but coming out of the gates at halftime and seeing him still there… that’s what really got to us. I guess as long as he’s on his meds he’s not hurting anyone, but it just makes me and all the players feel unsafe knowing there’s this lunatic watching our every move from the stands.”

Maryland Stadium boasts the record for quietest stadium in the BIG10, or rather did, as the title has now been given to Rutgers thanks to Pendleton, the aforementioned maniac. The incident has been equally disturbing to students and faculty alike.

Sophomore Zoey Anderson was seen sprinting away from the game in terror whilst frantically screaming “He doesn’t want to leave, he says it's cool to watch!”

Meanwhile, Pendelton’s psychotic behavior has spurred research by Dr. Jackson Amar, a professor in the University’s psychology department.

“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen in my 30 years of research. I’ve dealt with schizophrenics of all shades and colors but Anthony is… so unique. The act of watching Maryland football causes his brain to release an ungodly amount of dopamine to his entire body. Essentially, he’s just enjoying himself and that’s what makes his behavior so terrifying.”

When The Rival reached out to Pendleton for comment we were promptly told to “piss off” and to stop “making stories out of nothing.”

Photo Courtesy of Alexander Jonesi