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Testudo's 2017 Christmas List Discovered



University of Maryland


- satire

Testudo's 2017 Christmas List Discovered

Spoiler Alert: Empty Starbucks cups are not on the list.

Analeigh Hughes


As the semester winds down and the holidays get closer, two things are bound to happen on the UMD campus: students procrastinating doing their final assignments and studying for finals by making their Christmas lists, and students sacrificing whatever they can to Testudo in order to secure good luck for the end of the semester.

It has recently been discovered that Testudo has developed a Christmas list of his own. Frustrated with the items he is typically gifted at this time of year, such as energy drinks, empty Starbucks cups, and leaking gel pens, he decided to let the UMD community know what he would actually want us to leave for him.

This list includes:

-Ugly UMD Christmas Sweater
-PlayStation VR
-An energy drink can that's not empty
-World peace
-GoPro Hero 6
-A good, personalized rollerball pen (not the crappy free RHA ones that everyone normally gives him)
-The love and acceptance of his father
-Tickets to the Bruno Mars: 24K Magic Tour
-Clif Bars (everyone keeps leaving him Nature Valley and he hates choking on their little hard pieces)
-A dildo that isn't too big and isn't too small
-An end to the systemic racism that is so deeply ingrained in our society
-Patagonia fleece
-Any vodka, but Zelko
-Self confidence

When asked if students who gave these items would receive special preference in receiving good luck, Testudo declined to comment. However, if you're in need of a miracle this finals season, we'd highly suggest gifting Testudo one (or more) of these items.