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Meet the valedictorians of the Class of 2017



University of Maryland


- satire

Meet the valedictorians of the Class of 2017


XFINITY CENTER- Yesterday, the University of Maryland celebrated the achievements of the roughly 7,000 graduates of the Class of 2017. Studying everything from animal science to accounting, the bulk of these students had been pursuing their bachelor’s degrees since the fall of 2013. According to Nancy Lornes, UMD’s Dropout Prevention Coordinator, however, we did gain a few ‘valedictorians’ along the way.

“While they obviously couldn’t join us at commencement, these ‘valedictorians’ certainly contributed to the University community while they were with us,” stated Lornes. "It's unfortunate, but in some cases, students are better off becoming 'valedictorians' than completing their degrees."

We reached out to some of the current individuals holding this distinction and assembled their stories.

Name: Trent Gold
Date of Valediction: November, 2013
Major: Undecided
Reason: Trent did first semester of freshman year just a little too hard.
Current Pursuits: Third Shift Cashier at a 24-Hour Walgreens
Words of Advice: "If the university introduces the 'G.O.L.D. Code' a week after you're released from the hospital, it probably means you messed up."

Name: Louis DelMarca
Date of Valediction: July, 2015
Major: Entrepreneurial Studies
GPA: 2.15
Reason: Loius’ 'startup' fell through following a raid by the Department of Homeland Security.
Current Pursuits: In his second year of a 5-year program at Michigan State Federal Penitentiary
Words of Advice: "Don't communicate by phone."

Name: Shelbie Staller
Date of Valediction: March, 2016
Major: Psychology
GPA: 1.85
Reason: Shelbie realized that college might not be for her.
Current Pursuits: Waitress at College Park Applebee's
Words of Advice: "Know yourself and your limits before you do three years."

Name: Gio Managadze
Date of Valediction: May, 2017
Major: Computer Science
GPA: <3.94
Reason: After failing all of his exams, Gio decided he was tired of taking orders from the man.
Current Pursuits: Becoming LinkedIn famous
Words of Advice: “Google my name and you’ll be able to locate my recently published eBook on epistemology, as featured in GQ and DailyMail.”