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UMD class of 2021 academically weakest class ever



University of Maryland


- satire

UMD class of 2021 academically weakest class ever

Elliot Bromberg


COLLEGE PARK - Shocking news came to campus this week as The Office of the President revealed that the University's class of 2021 is the weakest academic class in the history of the University. Every year President Loh sends a welcome back to school email lauding the accolades of the new undergraduates, however, this year's welcome letter read quite differently.

The email read: "We begrudgingly welcome the 4,100 new first-year students and 1,900 transfer students. Due to unforeseen circumstances, this is our academically weakest entering class ever. Many of them have no discernible skills to speak of and hardly any meet any of the academic standards this community prides themselves on. This is our least diverse class ever as every single student comes from South Jersey and Maryland. In fact, 46% of these young Terps are already addicted to Juuls representing the highest percentage of freshman classes in the nation."

A source from the admission office explained the anomaly to Rival reporters. "After last years debacle of letting in too many students, we decided to raise our admission standards in order to cap the number of students we accepted. Unfortunately, our plan backfired and every single qualified student rejected our offer. This forced us to send offers, to um, less qualified students and this is just kinda where we're at now."

Remarkably, students of the class of 2021 seemed completely unfazed by the news and when asked to comment on President Loh's remarks, one student simply replied, "Wait, I thought Trump was president?"