COLLEGE PARK, Md – UMD Freshman David Levin reportedly did not receive a bid to join the fraternity Kappa Rho Sigma at the end of spring rush. However, Levin is unconcerned, saying "it's not like I really cared about the parties or anything," explaining that he, “only wanted to join for the brotherhood, anyway.”
The 19-year-old is currently undeclared, but says he plans to transfer into the Business School next year. "That was probably it," Levin confided, "I was talking to Chad in my marketing class and he said that they really like people in the business school. And, if I become a supply-chain management major, Chad says that would help with their diversity requirement, since they're all in marketing, which would give me more of a chance of getting a bid." Levin then shrugged and gazed off into the distance for a few seconds, with a thousand-yard stare like he had just come out of the jungles of Vietnam.
However, Levin claims that the rejection hasn't impacted his self-esteem or emotional health. "Nah, it's no big deal," he said, "like I said, I only wanted to join KRS because I really connected on a deep level with those guys, and I really thought that they could maybe be, like, my second family or whatever. Nothing serious."
Levin has decided to try to rush again next semester, and not just at Kappa Rho Sigma. "Yeah, you know, there's no law that says I can only feel that powerful, core-deep, satisfying sense of completion and brotherly love with one frat," Levin continued, "Maybe it'd be better for everyone involved if I just moved on."
At press time, Levin was attempting to chuckle nonchalantly, but the laughter soon dissolved into uncontrollable sobbing.