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Problem solver: When this guy’s roommates asked him to help out more around the house, he killed them all and dissolved their bodies in acid

human interest


University of Maryland


- satire

Problem solver: When this guy’s roommates asked him to help out more around the house, he killed them all and dissolved their bodies in acid

Hugh McFarland


COLLEGE PARK, MD. – For University of Maryland senior Patrick Regan, last Monday began like any other day. He woke up, made breakfast, left the dishes in the sink, went to class, came back, made lunch, stacked those dishes on top of the breakfast ones, took a nap, and then woke up to go out and make dinner, where he assumed the sink would magically be clear just like every other day. However, when he walked back into the kitchen, instead of a gloriously clean counter, his three roommates were there waiting for him.

“Yeah, they told me that I kinda needed to help out around the house more, y’know, clean up after myself, shit like that,” Regan told the Rival.

Regan knew exactly how to end this conflict and return peace to the household. “Yeah, so here I am in an impossible situation. My roommates want me to pull my weight and do my fair share and all that, and I, uh, don’t.” The solution? “I just murdered them all in their sleep, dismembered the bodies on the bathroom floor, and dissolved the remains in acid."

Regan, describing his new carefree lifestyle

The 22-year-old chemistry major says that this decision has improved his life immeasurably. "It's great, now I don't even have to do laundry anymore, because I suddenly have three more bedrooms and a ton of new clothes." Regan told the Rival that the extra space has given him other ideas. For example, he plans on converting the second bathroom into a dirty dish storage unit. Besides the purely domestic benefits, Regan says that his actions have helped him academically as well. "Yeah, so I'm doing this study on rates of decomposition for different types of organic material in different types of acidic solutions - sorry, geek alert haha! - and because of this I knocked out the research phase in a weekend, it was great."
Apparently, except for the fact that he had to, somewhat ironically, clean up the blood and other viscera left behind by the grisly triple homicide, Regan sees no downsides to his choice. "Honestly, this is the best decision I've ever made," Regan said, "I wish I'd done this years ago when my parents would get on my ass about mowing the lawn."

At press time, Regan's landlord had come by to say that the rent was three-quarters short this month, while Patrick, hiding a large kitchen knife behind his back, nodded understandingly and invited the homeowner inside to "solve this problem once and for all."