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Philadelphia somehow cleaner after Super Bowl Victory



University of Maryland


- satire

Philadelphia somehow cleaner after Super Bowl Victory

Efforts to recycle fans' batteries thrown by fans for use in parade floats already underway

Ed Wolins


Late into the evening this past Sunday, Philadelphians rushed into the streets after the Eagles beat the New England Patriots 41-33. Excited, full of hope, and ready to make a difference in their newly crowned championship city, hordes of fans couldn’t wait to begin their celebration. There was just one problem: How could they get their beloved, albeit grimy, city ready for the victory parade on Thursday?

Fans weren’t armed with brooms or scrubbers, but ingenuity. Light posts were torn down on Broad Street almost immediately after the victory to make way for impressive celebratory floats. Volunteers around the city hosed down the streets with urine in an effort to carry the streets loose debris into storm drains along the city avenues. One die-hard Eagles fan went as far as getting on his hands and knees to help remove horse manure left by one of the cities diligent mounted police officers.

“It’s amazing to see all the enthusiasm that the fans have for our team and our city” said MVP quarterback Nick Foles. “I get it, Philly fans are hardcore. But sometimes you don’t have markers and a poster board on hand. What are you going to do? God’s work. That's what you're going to do”.

*Editor’s note: Nick then showed The Rival UMD a picture of a building with the phrase “Big Dick Nick” spray painted onto its side, and smiled proudly.

“We’re in Disney World right now, but I have a lot of faith in both the citizens of Philadelphia and God that the city will be ready for our return. The best advice former Eagles quarterback Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez gave me before leaving for the broncos: 'Embrace 'Filth-a-delphia'".

Other cleanup efforts included flipping cars and incinerating the ones left parked in the parade's planned path, as well as collecting recyclable cans and bottles on sidewalks as materials for several floats. The University of Pennsylvania has even proposed a program to recycle lingering puddles of alcohol from the streets and bars into riot punch for Thursday’s big parade. The Department of Waste Removal has already began a project to convert Sunday’s vomit into confetti for the entire city to enjoy.