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Little boys who wipe sweat off the basketball court unionize



University of Maryland


- satire

Little boys who wipe sweat off the basketball court unionize

Jack Lewis


COLLEGE PARK, Md – The little boys who clean the Xfinity Center basketball court have voted to form a union, according to head rag-boy Tyler at a press conference today.

“Today is a historic day for every child who has ever crawled around on their hands and knees to wipe up sweat,” he told reporters while standing behind a podium he was too short to see over. “We’ve mopped up the court during every timeout for years without getting any recognition. But today that changes, today we stand up for the little guy. Not because it is easy, but because it is our duty,” he added before giggling at his choice of words.

Officially known as United Basketball Court Rag-Boys Local 110, the chapter plans to have its meetings at a nearby Chuck E. Cheese. Their initial demands consist of bigger rags, a yearly salary of bottle rockets, and one paid sick-day where they'd be allowed to watch wrestling in Mom's bed.

Both Xfinity Center staff and Big Ten officials have declined to comment on the story. However Kyle, a veteran sweat-wiper, says he’s not surprised. “They don’t see us as a threat yet,” he explained, “but if we ever go on strike those players could slip and fall. Our absence would risk the safety of the team." When asked if he was happy with the union’s demands Kyle shrugged and said he guessed so, then muttered something under his breath about wanting a Nintendo 3DS.

Head rag-boy Tyler also responded to critics who claimed the boys were just getting lazy. “I mean sure sometimes we just put a foot on top of the rag and kind of drag it around” he admitted, “But it’s still hard work. Plus, there's always a chance a full-court shot will miss and hit one of us in the head.”

The press conference came to an abrupt end when some of the boys holding pro-union signs began using them to hit one another, leading to tears and several time-outs.