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Business Fraternity VP Caught For Using Chapter Funds To Invest in Bitcoin



University of Maryland


- satire

Business Fraternity VP Caught For Using Chapter Funds To Invest in Bitcoin

Timmy Chong


College Park, Md. -- A University of Maryland senior was arrested last Friday at his off-campus apartment for using fraternity chapter funds to invest in the popular cryptocurrency, Bitcoin.

Bradley Brady, the vice president of the business fraternity Sigma Mu Eta (ΣΜΗ), was reported for multiple counts of misuse of the chapter credit card. He was ousted by the fraternity’s sustainability coordinator, David Dingwall.

“When I heard 50 Cent had 700 Bitcoins, that was the last straw, man,” said Brady. “I knew we had to get in there while the market was hot!

“I was just so sure we’d see immediate returns. And we did, for a while... The entire board was on board,” Brady said between sobs in an exclusive interview with The Rival.

Since early January, Brady had been using the chapter card to make discreet, incremental payments to himself via Venmo. He frequently cited transaction reasons such as, “Zas and wings,” “Slush fund,” and “Blaze it and praise it.” In seven weeks, Brady had thrown just over a thousand dollars of chapter money into Bitcoin— but the portfolio was only valued at $500.

“Just a few bad buys and sells here and there,” Brady said. “But that’s the crypto market man, that’s the arbitrage, that’s the rush of it! You just gotta be patient and power through it. All about the power moves, man.”

Several board members on the business fraternity noted Brady’s excessive use of reassuring language over the past two months. Brady had convinced the executive board to remain calm by the constant vocalization of common cryptocurrency idioms, such as, “We just gotta HODL [hold on for dear life], my dudes,” and, “F— outta here with your FUD [fear, uncertainty and doubt], bros,” and, “BOYS, WE GOIN’ TO THE MOON!”

Dingwall, who several fraternity brothers referred to as the “class narc,” was apologetic about his tattletaling tendencies.

“I didn’t want to get him into any trouble, but by the end, he was really abusing his power and making all of us uncomfortable,” Dingwall said. “It was cool when he had doubled the chapter’s money, but when the market crashed and we lost hundreds in hours, I felt that I had to say something.

“Cryptocurrency really consumes Brad’s life now. He hardly sleeps, all he does is check the charts. It’s unhealthy, to say the least.”

Under insurmountable pressure from Sigma Mu Eta’s national board of directors, Brady was forced to sell the entire sum of chapter-financed cryptocurrencies this past weekend, netting nearly a 50 percent loss.

Brady said it was never his intention to use chapter funds for risky investments -- this “seemed like a sure thing”-- and that he had believed his trading ability was strong enough to fund extra chapter activities for years to come.

When asked if he had had experience trading prior to using the fraternity’s money, he said that he used Robinhood to trade stocks for free, and also took a stock market simulation course at the university during the past fall semester, which he passed with a C-minus.

“It was for the boys. It’s always for the boys, man,” Brady said as he rubbed his red eyes. “Yo, pass the bong, Chad.”

Brady, slated to graduate in May, is unsure of whether or not he and his brothers will face academic consequences.

While none of the fraternity’s board members have been officially charged, Brady has already launched a Gofundme campaign to help pay his legal fees. In the description, he requested that "all donations can be sent in Bitcoin [100 emoji x3].”