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Student miraculously turns life around in the month it took to get a Counseling Center Appointment



University of Maryland


- satire

Student miraculously turns life around in the month it took to get a Counseling Center Appointment

Paige Weiss


The University of Maryland Counseling Center recently discovered a groundbreaking method for treating the mental illnesses affecting Maryland students: understaffing the counseling center. This discovery has been years in the making, as the University has kept the Center understaffed for as long as it has been around. This realization, however, will change the University's mental health landscape for the longterm.

Jill Lozano, a sophomore from Howard County, MD, has had severe depression for much of her life, but at the beginning of this Spring 2018 semester she decided to take action to improve her mental health. On January 23rd she scheduled her intake appointment at the Counseling Center for the end of the following month. In the time between scheduling the appointment and attending it, something miraculous happened; she turned her life around and completely cured her own mental illness.

"When I first found out that I wasn't going to be seen by the counseling center for over a month, I was scared," Lozano explained to a Rival reporter, "With each passing day I felt myself slipping further and further into a dangerous depressive state -- until about two weeks in when I came to the realization that I could cure myself."

Lozano reached deep into her mind over the course of the next month to uncover and remedy all of her past traumas, current anxieties, and was even measured to have leveled out the chemical imbalances in her brain that are known to cause depression.

After her intake appointment at the counseling center, Lozano reached out to the Rival with an update: "The intake appointment was interesting. They said that even before I cured myself I wasn't fucked up enough for them to see me for a real appointment anyways! Thank god the Counseling Center gave me the time and space to realize that on my own!"