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How to Sneak Party Favors into Spring Weekend

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Fordham University

campus

- satire

How to Sneak Party Favors into Spring Weekend

If you're into that kind of thing.

4.26.18

Read time: 6 min.
Graphics by Claire Dillon

It is nearly 48 hours until our Spring Weekend concert and we are all on T-Pain lock down. Seriously. Don't you dare touch that goddamn aux cord unless you're looking to queue up "Cyclone," or you're looking for a pop in the mouth. Yes, T-Pain is on his way to Rose Hill, and may he get here safely (Saint Christopher hear our prayer).

The grounds of Martyr's Lawn are sure to be, to put it nicely, an absolute shit show. The only thing standing between you and being a part of that beautiful, god forsaken mess is security. Luckily, we've provided a helpful guide for getting around that pesky problem with some of our favorite techniques for sneaking in booze or bud.

Old Faithful

This old booze-sneaking tactic has become almost as mythological as the multiple rumors over the years that T-Pain would perform at Fordham. However, if that came true, there's no reason that you shouldn't be able to execute this plan! By the cover of night bury a handle of the alcohol-of-your-choice on the grounds of Martyr’s to dig up on the day of the concert. Don’t think twice about the weird looks security will give you as you saunter through armed with a shovel.

Air Drop

Buy a drone. Learn to fly the drone. Use the drone to airdrop alcohol right into your spot amidst the T-Pain crowd. Just hope security hasn't upped the ante this year and is armed with BB guns to shoot down enemy aircraft.

Black Squirrel Strategy

Find an orphaned Fordham black squirrel. Raise the squirrel as one of your own. Teach it everything you know. Take it to a father-daughter dance. Gain its trust. Train squirrel to fetch and deliver you cold ones. No one will think twice about the squirrel scampering around campus strapped with a coozy. After the concert, liberate your squirrel to the wild. Sob uncontrollably as you shout, "Just go on! Get!" as you re-release the squirrel onto the grounds of Eddie's.

Bribery

Attempt to bribe CAB security workers with your extra DCB, These points ain't gonna spend themselves! They can't expect you to have access to actual money for a bribe. What are they, crazy? You're on a budget! If they catch you with alcohol on your person just explain, "My friend here says otherwise." Then slip them a wink and show them your account balance so that they know you mean business. Share the campus-dining love for a win-win scenario.

Trojan Horse T-Pain

This one takes some serious engineering skills, but we believe in you. Construct a flask in the exact size and shape of T-Pain (we've provided you with correct measurements here) and explain to security that you are simply escorting Mr. Pain to the stage, "He's feeling a little under the weather and asked for my help. I think he was a bit lost, GOD this campus is huge, how do you expect anyone to find their way around?"

Doctor's Note

"Look security. This kid has a doctor's note. And if they don't get alcohol in them STAT, we're going to have to make a little trip to St. Barnabus. Do you want someone's blood on your hands???? Now hand me that 4loko."

If your doctor isn't willing to write you a note, you should probably change health care providers.

10 gallon cowboy hat filled with 10 gallons of Franzia

Cowboy hats are in, and so is your booze. Yeehaw!

Smuggler's Approach

Fill your bra (or pants) with ziplock baggies of vodka. Your tits will look phenomenal...until they're deflated by T-Pain's second set.

Period pants ala Broad City

Thanks to the social environment created by our patriarchal overlords, no one's going to go out of their way to pat you down if they think Aunt Flow is in town. Viva la menstruation!

Whoever Smelt it Dealt it

Bring a drug sniffing dog, and if you can't find one, just bring a normal dog suited up with an official looking vest, maybe even some sunglasses for good measure. If security tries to question you, turn the tables and put the heat on them.